Down with Aro!
by fanciful.thoughts
Summary: After Felix burns Volturi Castle down with Aro's curling iron, the fearless leader himself gets it into his head that they should move to Forks and be neighbors with the Cullens- mainly to stalk Carlisle. It all goes to hell from there. Beware Caius's swearing. - CRACK; woe to you if you take Twilight seriously. - DISCONTINUED.
1. Intro: The hair curler of DOOM!

_Hiiii. I know I should be updating 'Snow White Queen,' but here's something else involving the Volturi instead! This was written by my friend Bianca, and drastically edited and slightly tweaked by myself. When she makes an account and posts the original, I'll send word! I hope this amuses you to read as much as it amused us to write!_

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the document below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

It was a normal day in the Volturi castle... or so everyone thought. Everyone except for Aro, anyway. He was sitting in his personal bathroom and curling his long, luscious locks of silky black hair. Yes, this was a regular occurrence. When he was finished, he gracefully walked away _without _unplugging the curling iron. Usually a very unimportant detail, but this would set off an unpredictable chain of events that would make the other Volturi members _very, very _angry.

Minutes passed, eventually becoming hours. Aro, bless him, didn't have one of those nifty auto-turn-off-after-an-hour-of-disuse irons. Of course. But then who should wander into Aro's bathroom but our good friend Felix! Why you might ask? Well, he and Aro happened to be the only two vampires in the castle that day. The others were all out on annual "Pretend You are a Human Day." Yaaay. Felix had to stay to serve his duty as a guard, while Aro was running late to the event because he was too busy beautifying himself to check the time.

As soon as Aro departed, Felix was _all alone_.

As he was examining all of Aro's unnecessary beauty products, that clumsy little asshole tripped over the cord of the curling iron, thus causing it to blow sparks and eventually burst into flames as it hit the ground. The flames began to spread, and even though Felix flooded both the bathtub and sink, he could not force the mighty flames to recede! Felix soon found himself standing around the charred remains of what used to be the magnificent Volturi castle.

"Oh, what am I to do? Aro, Caius and Marcus are going to be furious when they get home...!" he glanced around self-consciously, not really expecting to see anyone, but received the shock of his vampiric life. Funny how these things work out, eh? "Oh shit! Here they come! I'm dead! I'm deaaaaaaaaad!" He cried dramatically, striking what he considered to be a 'doomed' pose. He had seen a cluster of vampires coming towards him, and of course, if there is a cluster of vampires in Italy, it had to be the Vampire Mafia themselves- the Volturi! So yes, the cluster was none other than Aro, Caius, and Marcus with the rest of the Volturi (because the names of the leaders always went in alphabetic order!) They were all decked out in human apparel, I might add, as part of their 'disguises'.

A moment of silence passed as they all took in the magnitude of what had occurred. Aro's (bright red) painted lips opened and closed in blank horror. Even the catatonic lump that was Marcus blinked. Twice. Twice meant that it was the end of the world. The silence was, predictably, shattered by the live wire of temper that is Caius. Anger management classes were being scheduled, thank you very much.

"WHAT THE *BLEEP* YOU *BLEEPING* SON OF A *BLEEP*ING PHILISTINE *BLEEP*!" There was more, but Caius expressed his anger in such a way that we had to censor the rest of his long tirade.

"Oh goodness gracious! Just to think of what happened to all our worldly possessions! Aro...MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! NOW!" Sulpicia demanded, grabbing the man in question and pulling him over. Aro patted her on the shoulder and gave her a peck on the forehead saying,

"Not to worry, my love! Objects can easily be replaced; the truly important possessions are the times and the memories we had here! But we must move on, for we can no longer use all of our precious worldly comforts. Nor will we be able to run our powerful empire from the useless pile of smoldering remains which used to be our home! This is all Felix's fault, but does that really come to a surprise to any of you? I think not. Anyway, we are all very strong vampires! Am I right, or am I right? Okay, well we can get through this! We just all need to come together, in order to cope with this horrible tragedy! I suggest we all come together in such a way that-"

"Aro! We are _not_ going to have some huge orgy just because _you _need some comforting." Caius snapped coldly, eyes spitting fire at the effeminate male.

"Caius, what exactly is an orgy?" Sulpicia asked, batting her eyelashes innocently. She did not mean this in any suggestive way, as she was honestly quite clueless. Caius rolled his eyes, and Aro giggled before going off again.

"As I was saying before I was so_ rudely _interrupted, everything is alright. I would break into song, but we don't have time for that. You see, I have a plan! Shocking, right?" He asked sarcastically. "Here it is: we are all going to get onto a marvelous human invention called an Aroplane and fly to Forks, Washington and become next door neighbors to my wonderful and handsome lover- I mean friend, Carlisle Cullen!" Aro announced excitedly. "Aren't I a genius?" He stated more than asked, as the question was purely rhetoric. He knew from experience that if he really did ask such a question Caius would rebuff him faster than you could say "OH SHIT!" The other Volturi members exchanged confused and disbelieving glances (except for Sulpicia who, of course, was just as excited as Aro was.)

"Okay, first of all... _no_! And it's called an _airplane_, numbnuts. I don't care what you say; we aren't moving to Forks." Athenodora snapped.

"I disagree! We are too moving to Forks!" Aro snapped back, sticking his tongue out like a pathetic human child. "I planned this out years ago. I wanted to be prepared in case the unthinkable happened, and it did! In fact, I even had a book published, so now I ask you all to read it and agree with me, because that would be the wise thing to do." With this said, Aro handed out copies of a book titled: _Aro's Book that Tells You What To Do If the Unthinkable Happens. For Example, If the Castle Burns Down, We Should All Move To Forks! _The book was only 57 pages long, so everyone finished reading it quite soon.

"That was the worst book I ever read; your grammar was done as though by a retarded five year old. Every other word was misspelled- just _how _did you get this abomination published? And why did you keep switching from Italian to English all the time? Couldn't you have just kept it all in one language, or was that too hard for your limited brain capacity to handle? In fact, I'm pretty sure there was even a sentence written in German- and you don't know German!" Caius criticized with his usual biting tone of voice.

"I did not ask for a review of the book! Especially not a rude one... That hurt my feelings!" Aro pouted for a moment before switching gears. Perhaps he was bipolar? "Now, as you were all reading, I developed my genius plan further! So, the guard, you will all stay undercover in Rome. We will keep in contact through text messages and cellular telephones. Felix, Demetri, Heidi, and my dear twins, however, will accompany us to Forks for we need their, er, special skills! Now, Demetri and Heidi, you will be a married couple living in a nice penthouse in Seattle. Heidi, your profession will be that of a model, and you will know Rosalie Cullen because you worked on some photoshoots together. Demetri, you will be an accountant for a bank called "WaMu," or something strange like that. You two don't have children yet."

"Thank god..." Heidi muttered under her breath, flashing a glare at Jane.

"_I am not finished_! Okay, Felix will be living with you, because he is trying to become a professional bodybuilder and is obviously failing since he can't buy his own apartment. Two houses in Forks have been purchased, one for Caius and Athenodora and one for Sulpicia, Jane, Alec and myself. Caius will be posing as a _failed_ and _disgraced _and_ FAILED _ex-author turned Kindergarten teacher at Forks Elementary school. Athenodora will work as a sales clerk at one of those big department stores that sell those cheap, ugly clothes for overweight humans, like, um... Macy's! Also, I hear they also have a huge parade for some holiday where American humans eat lots of birds and do mean things to the Native people of the Americas. That should be a blast!" Aro exclaimed. Caius glowered, but then again, does he ever not?

"Why do you get to decide all of this, Aro? I mean... me? A Kindergarten teacher? I HATE CHILDREN! No offense, Alec. And Jane, take that as the most offensive thing you have ever heard in your whole useless existence."

"DADDY! Caius is mean. Make him stop!" Jane whined, giving Aro and adorable pout. Alec looked at her strangely. "What? If he's going to pretend to be our father, I should at least start calling him 'daddy'. Right?" Jane asked, turning her big puppy-dog eyes back to Aro.

"Why yes, of course, my princess!" Aro smiled, petting her head. "Anyways, I get to decide because unlike you, I do nothi- I mean, I took the time to plan this! Now, I must get to the best part of my plan! I intend to take up the profession as a psychological doctor, and will work in the same office as _Carlisle_! Sulpicia will be a housewife, and stay home to take care of our two beautiful darling children, Jane and Alec, who will be attending Forks High School alongside Edward and his other siblings whose names I can't remember right now. Edgar... Rosalind? Jordan... Whatever. Caius, your house is right across the street from mine, so even though we will be separated, we will still be together! Isn't this all so wonderful?" He gushed, red eyes shining. The others were all about to scream at him for the next hour but they were stopped before they could even start. "We don't exactly have time to talk right now. Our private Aroplane is about to land in that conveniently located field over there in about five minutes. I already paid for everything. When we get there, we're going to go shopping for new belongings! See, this isn't going to be as bad as you thought it would be!" Aro exclaimed happily.

"You're right. It's going to be much worse." Marcus deadpanned.

"Oh dear me! I seem to have forgotten you! Oh well, you will just live with me as my depressed alcoholic brother who lost his home because he has no money due to unemployment." Aro beamed. They all made their way to the remote field, complaining mentally. Just as they got there, the plane landed. Again, it's funny how these things work out, isn't it?

"I always knew that Aro would eventually screw everything up beyond repair..." Caius lamented as he boarded the airplane.


	2. The Arrival: Marcus is a hobo drunkard!

_Hey! Sorry for the wait, but here's chapter two! The story's name has been changed to 'Down with Aro!' at Bianca's suggestion. She's made an account here under the name Purplexfairy6953, but so far we'll be posting the chapters here. This is more of a filler, so our apologies, but the next chapter is great from what she's sent me to edit!_

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the document below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

_Chapter Two: The Arrival _

Many hours passed aboard the large private jet, otherwise known as the "Aroplane". Aro simply could not get over the fact that such a magnificent invention did not have his name included in it, so he just insisted that everyone call the jet the "Aroplane". He and his wife Sulpicia remained extremely happy throughout the whole flight while the rest of the Volturi moaned in agony and despair thanks to Aro, who we all know makes horrible decisions when it comes to finding a new place to live after your house burns down.

"Look, Aro! I can see water out of the window!" Sulpicia exclaimed happily, pointing out the window to the stormy waves that thrashed against the coastline of the Pacific Northwest. They were coming closer to their destination at last! They flew for a bit longer, and soon they could see the many green hills and trees of Washington state in the distance.

"I still can't believe this is happening! If I could sleep, I would swear this was a dream. No, actually not a dream,_ a complete nightmare_!" Athenodora screamed out in frustration. Caius kissed her softly for comfort and soothed,

"Don't you worry, my love. Once we get off of this plane, we'll stay far, far away from that horrible _thing_." Caius growled as he glanced over at Aro. The aforementioned effeminate male was prancing around the plane like a little girl in a field full of daisies. He was obviously too happy to ever be able to function correctly.

Then the plane began to descend upon the bright green landscape.

"Hold on everyone! We're going dooooown!" Aro yelled. Sulpicia ran over to him and hugged him tightly.

"I never thought we'd die like _this_! I just want you to know that you'll always be in my heart, even when we go to um…wherever it is where vampires go when they die, and that I have never loved anyone more than you." And then Sulpicia kissed him passionately. Aro stared at her like she was crazy.

"Sweetie, we aren't going to die. We're just landing."

"Oh that's wonderful!" She smiled, calming down immediately. When the plane landed safely, everyone grabbed whatever was left of their belongings- which admittedly wasn't much- and stepped out into the clearing of the woods that they landed in.

"You know what? I always thought that hell would be dark and fiery. I never knew it would be a lovely green forest covered in rain clouds." Caius said to Aro in one of the 'tones' that he used whenever he was feeling extremely bitter about something.

"Oh, lighten up my dear brother! This is a beautiful place. We will learn to love it in no time! Things could be a lot worse,; for instance, it could be sunny here! But it's not, and we need to be thankful for that!" Aro cheered, pausing when he realized he forgot something. Realizing what, he finished, "... And you mustn't use that tone with me!"

"Yes,_ mother_." Caius replied, sarcasm dripping heavily off his words. Aro simply pretended not to hear Caius and started chattering away on his cellular phone.

"Why couldn't we have landed in a real airport?" Demetri asked curiously when Aro got off the phone.

"Oh we couldn't have possibly done that; it would cause a_ scene_! We need to blend in to seem like a normal family just as the Cullens do! Now if I were you, dearie, I would stop asking stupid questions," he added with a cheerful smile. With a giggle, he pivoted towards the others. "Okay everyone, pay attention! We all need to walk to the road on the other side of the field. There, we will be picked up by a taxi and taken to our new homes! Then we will all meet up at the Forks Mall to shop for our new belongings, together…as one big happy family!" Aro said happily, as he clapped his hands together.

A few minutes after they got to the road a couple of taxi cabs drove up to them. They all got into a car of their choice, and within ten minutes had been dropped off at their new homes.

"So, this is it huh? All the houses look the same. How are we supposed to know which one is ours?" Sulpicia asked curiously, looking up at the street of identical houses.

"Darling, there are numbers printed on the outside of each house. Our number is 434, and since the house we are standing right in front of has that same number printed on it, that means it is ours! And the one right across the street belongs to Caius and Athenodora." Aro explained patiently, pulling the house key out of his pocket.

"Oh, how convenient!" she exclaimed joyfully, stepping inside the house. "It even has decorations and furniture!"

"Hmm….that reminds me. These houses aren't actually ours; we're renting them. So try not to destroy anything, otherwise we will have to pay extra. Alright, Caius?" Aro asked with a pointed look at his brother.

"Don't say that to me! Tell the terror twins! Look! They're already vandalizing the property!" Caius answered, motioning at Jane and Alec who were ripping out the flowers in the garden and in the process of burning down the fence.

"Daddy!" Jane immediately exclaimed, running over and hugging Aro around the waist. "It was all Alec's idea! I had nothing to do with it!" she said innocently, even though everyone could tell it was a lie. Everyone except for Sulpicia and Aro, anyway.

"Alec! You are such a naughty little boy! Go straight to your room at once!" Aro scolded, pointing to the door of the house.

"But Aro, it was Jane! She-" Alec was cut off as Aro dragged him into the house and slammed the door in his face. A few seconds later, the door opened again and Alec came out.

"If you wanted me to stay in there, you should have at least locked the door. And even if you did, I still would have been able to get out," Alec stated with a smirk.

"I have had enough of your attitude, mister!" Aro snapped. Just as he was about to say more, a group of people came out from one of the houses just down the street and started walking closer to them, carrying baked goods. The small crew was comprised of an older man, a woman, and a teenage girl.

"Okay everyone, try to act as normal as possible!" Aro ordered.

"As if that's even possible with you around." Athenodora muttered, she and Caius disappearing before they were spotted. Aro glared at the area she had previously occupied for a second, but then slipped his fakely happy smile back on as the neighbors approached them.

"Hello! We are the Stanleys, your neighbors from across the street. We just thought we'd stop by to welcome you to the neighborhood!" the woman said cheerfully, handing him a plate of brownies.

"Thank you! We just love this community, especially the gate. It keeps out all of the, how you say, riff-raff! My name is Aro Volturi, and this is my wife Sulpicia, and here our children, Alec and Jane!" Aro introduced, making his Italian accent stronger than it already was.

"It is very nice to meet you and your family. I am Maureen, and this is my husband Robert, and my daughter, Jessica." The woman smiled, but the other girl, Jessica looked at them strangely. It was almost as if she knew they were different...

"You aren't from around here, are you?" Jessica asked curiously, looking them all up and down.

"No, no! We come from Italy!" Sulpicia explained with a bright smile. Caius and Athenodora conveniently picked that moment to come out of their front door and walk over to the driveway.

"Aro, are you ready to go yet? Oh…I see you have company already," Caius said, sounding very irritated. "Um… hello. I am Aro's brother Caius, and this is my wife Athenodora. We live just across the street." Caius introduced, making an attempt to be pleasant. They gave him a strange look at seeing his red eyes/white hair combination, but decided he was an albino and shrugged. Athenodora smiled fakely, her eyes as black as Aro and Sulpicia's.

"It's nice to meet you too..." Mrs. Stanley paused, catching sight of Marcus. An unreadable expression crossed her face. "... But may I ask who that... _questionable... _fellow over there is?" she asked, pointing to Marcus who was sitting glumly on the sidewalk next to their mailbox. There was a wrapped bottle in his hand- y'know, the kind that hobos walk around with, chugging the alcoholic contents routinely? Yeah, he had one. A pair of shades sat on the bridge of his nose, shielding his red eyes from sight.

"That is my brother Marcus. He has some, how you say... issues, so he is living with us until he can get back on his feet again," Aro told her. Marcus looked up at them for a second, but then went back to his melancholy state of being, taking a swig from the actually empty bottle. It was all for the sake of appearance.

"Well anyways, we were going to have a barbecue this Sunday at two o'clock, and were wondering if you'd like to come." Maureen offered with a warm smile.

"No, that won't be necessary, I mean, you just met us. We couldn't possibly impose-" Caius started to say, but was interrupted by Aro.

"What my brother means to say is that we'd love to come!" Aro exclaimed with a hundred-watt smile, even though he could see Caius giving him a nasty glare.

"Wonderful! We'll see you then. Nice to meet you!" Maureen said as she and her family turned and went back home.

"_Aro_! What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all? We can't go to a barbecue! We've never been around that many humans before, and we can't even eat the food! Which reminds me…what are we going to do when we get a craving for human blood? What, are we just supposed to knock on one of their doors and attack them?" Caius questioned angrily.

"We had to accept their invitation in order to blend in, Caius. We'll just have to endure the pain of eating human food, and then throw it up later when they aren't looking. And we'll feed before we go to the barbecue, of course, just in case. And no, I would not approve of you attacking our neighbors! We can't make a bad impression like that! If you look in your refrigerator you will find blood filled in all sorts of containers, and even frozen in the freezer. It should last for a few months." Aro informed them.

"And what do we do when we run out?" Athenodora asked.

"We will deal with that when the time comes. Now come on…we're off to the mall!" Aro exclaimed.

"Just my idea of fun…" Marcus muttered sarcastically as he was pulled into the car. Everyone ignored him.


	3. Felix in a red dress: Jasper goes crazy!

_Hiiiii! This is our best chapter yet, just because of Edward and Jasper! And, no, we are not homophobic, nor are we stereotyping southerners! I was just sure that Jazz would react that way, and is caught on, and I made Bianca include it, and it was soooo awesome that we had to keep it! Please, enjoy and don't think that we're prejudiced bigots, it just makes us laugh. _

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the story below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

_Chapter 3: Of Shopping, Salad Bowls, and Them Rifles_

"Mommy, Daddy, do you love me?" Jane asked sweetly, her big blue eyes (Aro insisted that everyone wore colored contact lenses) sparkling up at the addressed vampires as the not-so-happy Volturi family sauntered gracefully into the Forks Mall.

"Why, yes, of course, my sugarplum! Why might you be asking?" Sulpicia inquired. Caius and Athenodora scoffed at her blatant ignorance to Jane's evilness.

"I was wondering... may I please buy some clothes from that store?" She asked, twirling her hair cutely and glancing over at what just so happened to be the most expensive store in the mall. It was true to say that Jane was a spoiled little princess and routinely received anything she ever wanted from Sulpicia or Aro. Or both. So, naturally, they gave in to her wishes. While they were in the store, they ran into Demetri, Felix, and Heidi (whose names also happen to be listed in alphabetical order, like the leaders'! Magical!)

"Finally! We've been waiting for you guys to show up for nearly an hour! Why the hell did you take so long?" Heidi questioned, her tone clearly annoyed.

"Aro just had to introduce himself, along with everyone else, to the delicious feast that lives across the street from us." Caius said with an evil grin. Muahahahahaha! HA!

"Oh, Caius, you're horrible! They are most certainly not a feast. They are a family of humans! You can't go around saying things like that, otherwise people might know that we're um…_different. _All that matters is that we're here now!" Aro ranted. Before he could continue, a very muscular person emerged from the dressing room wearing a red sparkling evening gown.

It was Felix.

"Well, I think it's great that they're here! Now I can get your opinion on this! Isn't it great? I mean, I saw another guy buying it here, and I thought, 'well, if I'm going to blend in, then I'm going to have to be a normal dude! I should dress like one!' And so I tried it on, and it looks great!" Felix exclaimed with much gusto not noticing that everyone else's jaws had dropped.

"_Felix_! You are a _bodybuilder_! It is not appropriate to wear women's clothing! And for your information, that was not a guy wearing that dress- it was just one of those homely human women with short hair!" Heidi snapped. Demetri couldn't stop laughing after her rant. Since no one cared, he crawled under a conveniently placed table.

"Oh… so that explains why he had boobs." Felix stated, looking surprised.

"In other words, the profession that has been chosen for you is too manly for you to be having Aro moments." Caius smirked. Buuuuurn. Aro elbowed him in the stomach and said,

"That was _one time_, okay? _Okay_?! I just wore that one dress for um… um… a joke! Yeah, that's what it was. Now Felix, take off the dress and we can pretend that this never happened." Aro ordered.

"Wait a second. Just let me take a picture first." Jane said, immortalizing the disturbing image of Felix in a dress forever with a click of her cameraphone. Though she appeared to be sugary sweet on the outside, on the inside Jane was a sadistic, evil mastermind who lived for the pain of others. But, knowing Aro, he was quite easy to fool. Felix reluctantly went back into the dressing room to change while everyone else glanced around the store.

"I don't like these clothes," Alec complained, stepping out of the dressing room in a much-too-big formal black suit and a wonderfully garish tie that wasn't even tied properly.

"Then what do you suppose you are going to wear? I will not have my son dressing like a juvenile delinquent!" Aro insisted.

"But normal teenage humans don't walk around looking like this either! I'm leaving!" Alec yelled, storming out of the store.

"Okay, sweetie. Just be back in an hour!" Sulpicia called after him, making a solid attempt to be motherly to Alec.

"Sulpicia my darling, don't even try. We have a wayward son on our hands!" Aro lamented.

"He's not even your real son, you dumbass!" Caius remarked.

_Meanwhile, at the Cullens', a certain spiky-haired pixie received the shock of her un-life. _

"Oh my gosh, you guys! I just had the most horrible vision!" Alice exclaimed, her elfin face twisted in horror.

"Oh, dear… not another one. Bella, you wait right here and I'll go get the bubble wrap. THAT MURDEROUS PIECE OF FRUIT IS NOT GOING TO HARM YOU!" Edward yelled, running out of the room.

"No, Edward come back! It doesn't involve Bella slipping on a banana peel in the shower and falling to her death like the last one did... It's about the Volturi. They're coming here! To Forks! And they're not just visiting- they're going to be permanent residents!" Alice told them. All the Cullens grew silent. The only sound to be heard was the smashing of the salad bowl that Rosalie shattered between her hands. On purpose.

"Perfect!" Rosalie snapped, sarcasm rolling off the single word like a vicious wave.

"Oh, it's worse than I thought! And Rose… why do you always do that?" Edward asked. "That's the 5th one this month. And it's the third!"

"Um…it's just a reflex." She replied quietly.

"They aren't here for me, are they?" Bella inquired fearfully.

"No, the castle was destroyed in a fire, and it was Aro's idea move here," Alice explained.

"Aro? If he tries coming on to you again, he's going to have to get through me first!" Esme told Carlisle angrily, fire spitting from her honeyed eyes... only to revert back to her gentle, motherly demeanor in less than a second.

"Aro isn't going to come on to me! All of you say such things as though you believe he's homosexual or something of the like. Everyone knows he isn't, he is just... extremely affectionate." Carlisle said nervously as if he too knew for a fact that Aro would indeed 'come on to him' despite his words.

"You're joking right?" Emmett asked Carlisle incredulously. Carlisle didn't answer. "So when are they coming, Alice?" he asked. Alice was about to answer Emmett's question when...

The doorbell rang.

"I think your vision was a bit too late…" Edward murmured worriedly as he went to go answer the door. The bell just kept on ringing and ringing constantly. There could only be one thing that was making the poor little bell ring so many times.... Someone had to be pressing it repeatedly. And that someone was Aro, with many other very annoyed someones standing behind him.

"Oh, hello my dear young friends! I was so worried when you didn't come to the door immediately! It shouldn't take a vampire more than two seconds to answer the door, you should be able to run over and answer instantly! Unless perhaps something has happened to your ability to run quickly... If that is the case, then I most certainly would love to hear about it!" Aro's voice trialed off as he rambled on and on about things that nobody even cared about. Edward led the Volturi family into the Cullens' living room, glancing between them uneasily.

"Hello. We are so pleased that you could come to visit," Esme greeted them, trying to sound as nice as possible even though everyone knew she- or any of the Cullens for that matter- didn't want the Volturi within a thousand miles of their house. Especially with Bella around.

"On the contrary Emma, we are not just here to visit. We will be living in Forks! How great is that?" Aro asked happily.

"Yes, we know all about it. Alice had a vision... Oh, and my wife's name is Esme, not Emma." Carlisle told him. Before Carlisle could even begin to say what he was planning to say, Aro had wrapped his arms around Carlisle in a tight hug... and was practically groping him.

"I missed you most of all." Aro whispered in his ear as he slowly pulled away from their hug.

"Oh, _sweet Jesus_! We've got a HOOOW-MOOOW-SEXUAL in ou' _luuuv_-ly home!" Jasper exclaimed in his long-gone southern accent.

"JASPER! What the hell was that? You don't even have a southern accent anymore! Or do you…?" Emmett asked, his voice softening mysteriously at the last question.

"Excuse me for a second; I must go fix my hair." Jasper, who was apparently back to normal, said as he wandered over to an electric outlet. He stuck his finger in it to shock himself. His silky blonde hair turned into a big fuzz ball that strangely had dark brown roots.

"I always knew you weren't a natural blonde. Sweetie, I think you need to touch up your roots." Aro told him in a sweet tone, his hand fluttering near Jasper's shoulder.

"You get away from me, goshdarnit! Say one mo' thing, and I'm gonna go get mah rifle gun from the shed! God invented them rifles for _you people_!" Jasper cried out yet again, releasing the Southern twang he held deep within.

"Jazz… we don't even have a shed. And I'm pretty sure you don't even have a rifle either. Come upstairs with me Jasper, sweetheart. I think we need to have a talk." Alice said, taking his hand and dragging him upstairs.

"Please excuse his behavior. Jasper just gets so, um… excited whenever we have company over. He doesn't act that way only around you. He does that around many others as well. I apologize." Esme blatantly lied, afraid that Aro would be angry with the way Jasper treated him.

"Oh, of course I understand! Certain individuals get so nervous in my presence; it's just because I am so amazingly powerful that some people feel intimidated. I think it might take him a while to adjust to having such an amazing being living in the same town as him." Aro told everyone. Caius let out a very loud cough, trying (not terribly hard, mind you) to hide that he was laughing.

"Oh no! The humans have infected you with their horrible diseases!" Sulpicia exclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't a real cough." Edward remarked.

"The bodily functions of humans are unimportant right now! It's not like there are any humans among us right now. Oh… except for you, Betty darling. I can't believe I forgot about you! Please don't be afraid; we won't hurt you." Aro told Bella sweetly, disregarding the fact that she was curled up in a corner, whimpering out of fear. Aro approached her as though to soothe her, but when the whimpering just became worse, Edward growled at Aro and rushed to Bella's side.

"Bella, he's right! We most certainly will not hurt you, sugarplum. You're actually a lot prettier than we'd thought you'd be- you know, what with you being a human," Sulpicia informed, trying to comfort Bella but obviously not doing a very good job. Athenodora giggled viciously at the unintentional snuff. Bella was still too afraid to speak.

"Ah, yet another one who is stunned by my presence!" Aro stated, once again proving he was too self-absorbed for his own good. Meanwhile, Heidi and Rosalie were completely withdrawn from what was going on around them. Why, one would ask? Because they were too busy arguing over who was prettier, obviously.

"You know what? Guys drool all over me in Italy, its like they're hypnotized by my beauty!" Heidi bragged.

"Yeah, well those guys will flirt with anything in a skirt, including Aro. In fact, I'd_ bet _that if you dressed Aro up as a girl, they'd be all over him. I'm sure I could have guys all over me within seconds of my arrival in Italy! More guys than you!" Rosalie argued.

"Oh, _hell _no! You did_ not _just go there. Prepare for the biggest bitch slap you have ever received in your life!" Heidi screamed, crouching down into a perfect pouncing position.

"Really? It couldn't be bigger than your ass!" Rosalie snapped back, slipping into the defensive.

"Ooooh, burn!" Emmett interjected. He had been off to the side, laughing his head off while the women went back and forth with their cattiness.

"Shut up!" Heidi screamed, lunging forward to tackle Rosalie. The blonde thwarted Heidi with a graceful dodge and started to yank at her hair.

"Oh yeah! Go for the hair! The hair! Now take your top off!" Felix cheered.

"Ye-! Wait a second… _did you just tell my wife to take her top off_!?" Emmett roared, rounding on poor, unfortunate Felix.

"Well, um… no…? I sorta meant both of them, and um…. OKAY I DID! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Felix begged, falling to his knees and clasping his hands. Emmett blinked in surprise at the dramatics.

"Both of them! Hey… Heidi's supposed to be my wife too, so I'm supposed to be angry…" Demetri muttered to himself, thinking about what to do. "Felix, I am very angry with what you just said!" he suddenly exclaimed, tapping into the enormous hidden reserve of anger he had spent thousands of years bottling. Living with Aro does that to people.

"Oh yeah?" Felix challenged.

"YEAH!" Demetri and Emmett both yelled in unison.

"Fine! Emmett Cullen, I challenge you to... A WRESTLING MATCH! Come on, let's take this outside." Felix demanded.

"Wait… what am I supposed to do?" Demetri asked, feeling left out.

"Uh… you can keep score." Emmett replied. Demetri shrugged and nodded, and the three of them went out the back door into the Cullens' backyard for a fun day of wrestling and adding numbers.

"Oh, I have a feeling this experience is going to bring us all closer together! We are all going to be such great friends! Perhaps even one big happy family!" Aro twittered, clapping his hands delightedly.

"Good grief… you're not serious, are you?" Marcus asked quietly, glancing up at Aro.

"Of course I am, my dear brother! This is going to enlighten all of our lives ever so much!" Aro exclaimed.

"I don't really think 'enlighten' is the best word to use." Caius remarked. "You're not even using it in correct context. You're just- ... Marcus, why are you hiding under a table?"

For indeed, Marcus was.


	4. Caius is angry: It's raining cookies!

_Hiiii. Sorry about the delay... Bianca was writing dutifully, but I was slacking in my editing. Consider this a late Christmas present. Happy consumer holidays, everyone! Warning: Caius swears a lot._

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the story below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

_Chapter Four: Screams and Sprinkles_

It was three o'clock in the morning, a rather ungodly hour that Aro considered to be the perfect time for everyone to come to his house for a "family meeting". For once, everyone seemed to be minding their own business while he was talking incessantly. Nothing he was saying was the least big important, after all. Caius and Athenodora were cuddling sweetly on the couch together. Sulpicia was putting random things in the microwave and pressing buttons, trying to figure out how the odd little human invention worked. Demetri was busy explaining to Felix why he could not, by any means, purchase the red sparkly dress he desired. He apparently still did not understand that dresses were for women, transsexuals, and drag queens. Heidi was admiring herself in the mirror as she usually did in her spare time, and the twins were causing havoc all about the house. Just as Aro's useless speech started to breach new territories of dullness (we're talking math class dull, people), something caught everyone's attention.

"Well my dears, that's all I have to say for now. Oh, actually one thing more: you must all be ready to work in a few hours. After all, it is the first day of our new jobs!" Aro exclaimed an obnoxious amount of enthusiasm.

"_What_?! We start_ tomorrow_? But tomorrow is Friday!" Caius protested, his ire rising.

"Yes, that was the whole plan. Didn't you read chapter 87 in my book?" Aro asked, cocking his head.

"No! It was only one sentence long, so I thought there would be no point in reading it at all!" Caius snapped.

"Well, you thought wrong! Did anyone read it?" Aro asked. Everyone was dead silent before Jane answered.

"I read it, Daddy! I thought it was the best chapter in the whole book! I'm all ready for school tomorrow, just as you said I should be." Jane said sweetly, giving him a tight hug.

"Oh, that's wonderful my sweet little princess! You know, I've always liked you a lot better than that no-good brother of yours," Aro told her as he stroked her hair.

"Aro! If you don't shut the hell up right now, I'm gonna kick that flabby 3,000 year old ass of yours!" Caius snarled.

"Oh nu-uh, you did not just go there!" Aro shot back at him, snapping his fingers.

"I believe I just did." Caius replied with a smirk. Aro looked like he was about to say something semi-witty, but was interrupted by Jane.

"Daddy Aro! It's already 7 in the morning. Caius is supposed to leave for work, and drop Alec and myself off at school on the way. And everyone else has to leave for work too! They would already know that if they read Chapter 87 like they were supposed to. But I'm special, so I read it!" Jane bragged. The others seemed to share an eye-twitch at her words.

"Yes sweetie, I know. Well you heard her! Off you go!" Aro ordered everyone.

"Aro, my love! Where am I supposed to go?" Sulpicia sweetly, absolutely clueless as per usual.

"You are supposed to stay right here my darling. I suppose you may leave if you get bored." Aro answered charitably, patting her hand lightly.

"Oh, okay!" She said, kissing him as he and the others walked out the door. They were all outside getting ready to go when Felix came running out the door wearing nothing but a white tank top and very short pink shorts.

"FELIX! What the fuck are you wearing?" Heidi hissed, shocked at his revealing attire. She tried to pull him closer into the throng of Volturi so that no one outside of the group would see him. "Where did you even _get _shorts like that?" she asked as an afterthought, glancing around nervously.

"Oh, I didn't really have any clothes to go to the gym in, so I just borrowed these shorts from Aro." Felix explained.

"Um…okay then. So Aro, why do you have shorts like that?" Heidi asked again.

"I-I…um…oh look! It's Carlisle! I'm going to ride him today," Aro remarked with a cheerful smile. Caius started coughing uncontrollably.

"Um…you do mean that you're getting a ride with him, don't you?" Athenodora asked carefully, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Oh, yes, yes of course. That's, um…exactly what I meant. Goodbye darlings! And Caius, you should really do something about that cough of yours!" Aro called over his shoulder as he flounced over to Carlisle's car.

"I don't have a cough, dumbass!" Caius shouted after him. "Okay, you two need to get in the car right now, or else you're going to make me late." Caius said to Jane and Alec.

"Yes, Caius," they replied dutifully, stepping into the car. During the whole car ride to school, Caius vented to them about how much he hated Aro, Alec vehemently agreeing. In fact, it turned mostly a conversation between the two of them while Jane looked out the window.

"Oh god! He's _such _a dumbass!" Caius groaned, shaking his head. Alec nodded from his position in the passenger seat, wordlessly urging him on. "I can't believe he's making us work on a Friday! We could have just started next week. He's so stupid," the older vampire sighed defeatedly.

"I know! It's completely ridiculous; who starts work or school on a Friday?" Alec asked rhetorically. "I hate him so much."

"I hear you; I'm sick of all of his crap too. Did I mention he's a dumbass?" Caius asked.

"Yes, twice actually. And you just passed the school." Jane told him, apparently missing the point of rhetorical questions.

"Whatever. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR JANE YOU LITTLE MONSTER! Alec, have a nice day at school. Jane, I HATE YOU, but not as much as Aro, so you should take that as a compliment." Caius said, pulling over a block away from the school and then zooming off (ignoring all sane speed limits) when Jane and Alec got out of the car. Just as they walked closer to the school, a random blonde person randomly popped up out of a random place exuding randomness.

"Hello! I hear you are new students here, from Italy! I'm Mike Newton. You guys speak English right?" he asked, flashing what he thought to be a charming smile.

"No! Naturalmente non! Ottenga a partire da me! Lo odio già!" Alec yelled at him, running away.

"FREAK!" He screamed again, looking back at Mike Newton. He shuddered in revulsion and raced into the school.

"I'm sorry. He actually does speak English. He's just a little bit, um… shy. Hello Mike, I'm going to call you Mikey. My name is Jane Volturi, and that was my twin brother Alec. It is so nice to meet you." Jane said, giving him one of her 'looks'. Before he knew what hit him, she was inflicting horrible pain upon innocent Mikey Newton.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It hurts! The pain! The pain! Oh, the horrible pain!" he screamed, falling to the ground and twitching spasmotically. He eventually started calming down as she looked away. "I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me! So as I was saying, I've heard so much about you from my friend Jessica- she's your neighbor. My sister Chrissie is also a freshman this year; maybe you'll have classes together," Mike said enthusiastically.

"Oh, that's great!" Jane gushed, flashing a fake smile that Aro must have taught her to master.

"Great, so I'll see ya later Italy girl!" Mike cheered and he patted her on the shoulder, going off went to go join his friends.

"Humans…" Jane muttered, huffing and rolling her eyes. The warning bell rang, so she went on her merry way to class.

"Good morning my 1st period class!" the creepy old teacher exclaimed as everyone took their seats. "Now, you guys are going to say: 'Good morning Mrs. MacLean!' Ready, 1...2...3!"

"Good morning Mrs. MacLean." The students replied unenthusiastically.

"Now that's the spirit! Welcome to the magical world of algebra! We're going to have lots of fun this year! Now, I'm pleased to say that we have two very special new students who have traveled across the Mediterranean all the way from _Italy_! Alec and Jane Volturi!" she announced brightly, shaking from excitement. Throwing her weird looks, Jane and Alec stood and introduced themselves before settling back down in their seats. Mrs. MacLean passed out papers detailing the school rules, and ranted about a bunch of other things that nobody really cared about. The bell rang suddenly, jolting everyone from their lethargy.

"Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to get all those papers signed by tomorrow!" she called as all the students rushed out of the classroom, not really hearing her at all. As Jane was walking to her next class, yet another person randomly popped up out of nowhere.

"Hi! I'm Chrissie Newton, I think you met my brother Mike earlier today. I'm was just in your algebra class! Ohmygosh! You're, like, soooo pretty! I love your hair. We're going to be best friends forever! You should totally eat with us at lunch time," the babbling blonde said as she played with her curly hair, winding it around and around her finger. She suddenly had two other girls following behind her like mindless drones.

"Yes, best friends." Jane agreed with fake enthusiasm, flashing her evil smile of doom. Chrissie and the other two girls let out deafening screams from the Jane-inflicted, unbearable pain.

"Oh-em-gee! That was totally weird." Chrissie exclaimed as they stood back up, rolling her eyes for no reason.

"Totally!" the other two girls agreed.

"By the way, those are my friends Brittany and Trisha. Well, we better get to class, see you at lunch! Love ya!" she called over her shoulder, blowing Jane a peck. So, the group split apart and went to all of their other classes, suffering silently until the lunch bell rang... what? That transition wasn't sudden at all!

Alec and Jane has been instructed by Aro that they were supposed to buy their lunch like "normal children", so they waited in the cafeteria's ridiculously long lunch line to buy food that they weren't even going to eat. But as they were standing there, they could overhear two older students having an intriguing conversation.

"You can still come Saturday, right? Because really, I don't know what I'd do without you there. My parents invited all of these family friends and stuff, and even these new neighbors who are totally weird! They're, like, from Italy or something." Jessica explained, frowning at the memory of the curious Volturi family.

"Italy, you say?" Bella asked nervously, moving up in the lunch line.

"Yeah. One of the guys kinda talks like Borat, but everyone else has a normal accent. And their kids are really weird too, they're supposed to be in High School, but they look a bit younger. The parents look pretty young too…" Jessica babbled on, oblivious as to Bella not listening. Indeed, as soon as Bella had heard the descriptions she turned around, brown eyes fixing on Jane and Alec.

"EDWAAARDDD!!!!" she screamed, dropping her tray and running right out the cafeteria door without tripping. Edward followed obediently behind her, unlocking the car magically from across the parking lot as he walked out of the large room. Then- you guessed it, didn't you?- Chrissie and her posse of girls once again appeared out of thin air and strutted over to Jane.

"What's her problem?" Chrissie muttered, watching Bella's receding form run away in terror. She whipped back around to Jane with a bright (fake) smile, her curls bouncing with the movement. "Anyways, you're still eating with us right?" She looked as though she was going to say more, but was suddenly distracted at the sight of Alec. "Ohmygosh! Your brother is like soooo cute! Do you think he'd go with me to homecoming?" Chrissie giggled, batting her eyelashes.

"You know what… I'm just gonna go eat behind the gym that we don't use anymore." Alec announced, turning around.

"No! You can't eat there. That's where all of the stoners hang out!" Chrissie warned, grabbing onto his arm. Alec rolled his eyes and shook her off.

"Like I said, I'm going behind the gym! Bye!" he snapped, stalking away.

"I'm telling daddy!" Jane yelled, but Alec didn't seem to give a flying fuck in hell. His stride didn't break as he walked away, giving her the finger as a last goodbye.

So, the day went on and the twins experienced the tortures- or, well, the mind-numbing boredom- of real life High the day was over Jane and Alec were forced to wait outside in the rain for a ride home from Caius. Eventually, he drove up to the curb and yelled,

"GET IN CAR RIGHT NOW!" He was obviously in a horrid mood.

"So, Uncle Caius, how was your day?" Jane asked cheerfully, just to spite him.

"IT WAS SO HORRIBLE! I always thought _you_were bad, but these Kindergarten babies are MONSTERS! ALL OF THEM! THEY'RE EVIL! They ask so many goddamn questions! So one of them asked me why I look funny, and I told them I was albino and they didn't know what that was so I had to give them a whole lesson about it!" Caius vented, his grip disfiguring the steering wheel slightly.

"Why did you tell them that?" Alec asked.

"Well, I refused to wear those irritating blue eye contacts that Aro suggested, and I certainly was not going to get a ridiculous spray tan like everyone else has. I mean, look at Jane! She's freaking _orange_!" His rage cooling into distress, he loosened his grip on the abused steering wheen and sighed deeply. "I hate this. I wish I could quit and go back home..." Caius moaned. Alec patted his shoulder, wordlessly agreeing.

"You can't quit." Jane told him smartly.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO, DO LITTLE GIRL!" he roared, the speedometer lurching to 200 as he pressed the gas.

"It's against the rules. It said on page 4 of Aro's book that you can't-" Jane began to tell him, but was cut off by Caius.

"I don't care about Aro's book!" After he said this, he suddenly went completely calm. "If that dumbass is going to torture me this way, then I'm just going to have to get my revenge..." Caius murmured, smiling evilly.

"Well, _I_ had a _great_ day. In fact, it was more than great, it was _wonderful_!" Jane said.

"Does it look like I care?" Caius asked, pulling up into their driveway. "Alright, get out of the car; I'm not going in there. You'll have to face Aro all on your own, kiddies- I can't handle it." With that, he parked the car in front of his own home and ran in through the front door. Before Jane or Alec could even touch their own front door, it flew open. Sulpicia, wearing a frilly pink apron, was now standing in the doorway, holding a tray of misshapen black blobs.

"Hello, my dear sweet children! I baked you cookies! Did you have a good day at school?" she asked in her wannabe-motherly tone, kissing both of them on the cheek.

"Yes, we did. Um… we don't even eat food, Sulpicia. Why did you bake them?" Alec asked, looking warily at the burnt things on the tray as if they were going to jump up and attack him. "... I don't think you made them right."

"Oh, I saw the recipe on the food channel on the magic glowing box, so I decided to try it. I suppose you could just give the cookies to all of your new little human friends if you aren't going to eat them." Sulpicia answered, handing them the tray.

"Sure… we'll do that." Jane agreed sweetly, dumping the tray of cookies under the table. Marcus got out from under the table with burnt cookie crumbs all over him.

"I do believe that it is raining cookies," he said in his monotonous voice, brushing off the crumbs.


	5. The dinner: Oh no, Alice is bulimic!

_Hiiiii! The long-awaited Stanley dinner is here; enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the story below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

_Chapter Five: Women's Jobs and Football_

"ARO! You've been in the bathroom for three goddamn hours! Are you ready to go yet?" Athenodora called angrily, rapping on the bathroom door. She and Caius had just entered Aro's home after getting ready to go to the Stanley family's barbecue. Said barbecue was, of course, bound to be a disaster with the Volturi there. In fact, just about anything involving the Volturi tended to be a disaster.

"_TA DA_!" Aro exclaimed as he emerged from the bathroom in a very flamboyant outfit. When 'flamboyant' is used in relation to Aro, the words 'get your rifle ready, Jasper!' are implied.

"You look lovely, darling!" Sulpicia cheered, walking over in an elegant black dress.

"Whatever… let's just go to get thing over with," the other blonde vampire sighed, rolling her eyes. Aro threw her a disappointed look.

"It is not a 'thing', Athenodora! It is a barbecue, one of the most famous American pass-times; I researched it! But we don't have time for all this chatter- we must go at once! It is not polite to be late." Aro ordered. "Jane, Alec, hup hup!" he called. Jane immediately descended down the stairs, flashing an angel's smile. Athenodora smirked slightly at the makeup and clothes Jane wore to make herself seem older. With a wicked smirk, she made sure to arch her back a bit to more properly show off the breasts she had and Jane... regretfully lacked.

"I'm ready, Daddy!" she announced, ignoring Athenodora with a slight eye-twitch.

"Excellent, my dear! But where is that useless brother of yours?" Aro asked, looking back up at the stairs expectantly. No one appeared.

"He doesn't wanna to come down," Jane sighed, pulling a sad face. Aro grimaced.

"Caius! You're good with that little deviant; get him downstairs immediately!" he ordered. Caius cocked an incredulous eyebrow at Aro's commanding tone but ascended the stairs, returning shortly with Alec in tow. Aro wrinkled his nose at the ripped jeans and band shirt his 'son' wore, but let it slide for once. "Come, they must be dying with worry by now!" he announced, pointing to the door. Everyone rolled their eyes yet again and marched out the door at Aro's urging, right across the street to the Stanleys' house. Once they got there, Aro rang the doorbell obnoxiously... 7 times, to be exact. Thankfully, the rather dimwitted Stanley family didn't mind. The door was opened as Aro was poised to ring for the eigth time, Mr. Stanley greeting them all cheerfully.

"Hey there! Come right on in, guys," he said, stepping back as the Volturi filed in. He eyed Marcus slightly suspiciously but continued. "Too bad about the snowstorm huh? We had to move the whole barbecue inside." Most of the family blinked at this information. The vampires hadn't even noticed the weather outside in all this time!

"Oh, what a shame," Caius said immediately, flashing a charming smile. "We shouldn't be a burden then... Perhaps we should go?" Caius suggested, turning at his heel and heading for the door.

"No, that won't be necessary! Come in, stay! Please," Mrs. Stanley said with a warm smile, appearing out of nowhere and catching his arm. Before he could plead his case, the doorbell rang again.

"Oh, hello Mr. and Mrs. Davidson. You are just in time! Let me introduce you to our new neighbors, Aro and his family," Mr. Stanley introduced, letting the other neighbors in.

"You know, the rest of us have names as well," Caius snapped, rather irritated over his failed attempt at escape. There was another sudden knock on the door as the other guests arrived. Mrs. Stanley rushed to open the door, and who should appear, but...

The Cullen family!

"Oh hello Dr. Cullen! Aro, have you met Carlisle and his family yet? He is our family doctor!" Mrs. Stanley gushed, blushing slightly when she realized how many handsome men were standing in her living room... and possibly because just about every single present woman's looks outshone hers rather... _violently_.

"I'm afraid we know the Volturi family all too well…" Edward said solemnly, wrapping a comforting arm around a slightly whimpering Bella. He threw Aro an angry look and cooed quietly to her.

"Oh, yes! I have known Carlisle Cullen for a long time!" Aro said happily, bouncing over and throwing an arm around Carlisle's shoulders. Esme shot him a murderous look, slipping a bit closer to her husband's other side and resting a possessive hand on his chest. Carlisle looked rather uncomfortable at Aro's proximity.

"Um…yes, we go way back," the doctor sighed. Somehow Carlisle's statement didn't sound too enthusiastic.

"Really? How do you guys know each other?" Jessica asked curiously as she was stepping down the stairs. She was completely dolled up for the night, of course; with so many guys in her house, she had to be. She walked over to Bella, giving her a strange look when she saw the shivers.

"Well…um…." Carlisle was clearly unprepared for this kind of question, but knowing Aro, an answer was at the ready.

"You see, Carlisle studied in Italy for a semester at the same college I attended, and we were both on the football team together!" Aro explained. Caius went into one of his fake coughing fits again; a concerned Mrs. Davidson patted his back.

"Really? I played some college ball too! Go long!" Mr. Stanley said, producing a football out of virtually nowhere and throwing it at Aro to catch. Unfortunately, Aro was stunned by the sight of it and didn't even twitch a muscle... It hit the wall with a dead 'thump' and flopped to the ground.

"What the hell is that thing?" Aro asked, flinching at the oddly shaped brown thing with laces on it.

"Um… it's a football, of course!" Mr. Stanley replied, throwing him an odd look. "You said you played in college," he stated as though Aro was a mental invalid. Carlisle groaned quietly, knowing what was to come.

"No, no! I didn't mean your barbaric American football involving people attacking and tackling each other like wild animals! I believe what we played is referred to as soccer here." Aro said in his purposely thickened Italian accent. Mr. Stanley looked thunderstruck. Edward flinched at his thoughts. Breaking the sudden silence, Mrs. Stanley laughed awkwardly.

"Well, thank goodness we cleared that up! Now, let's eat before the food I fixed gets cold!" she announced sheperding everyone into the dining room and into seats at the long table provided.

"I hope you're all hungry, because I made lots of food!" Mrs. Stanley said, serving everyone their food.

"I think Alec is very hungry. He is a growing teenage boy, loves good food, and he needs to eat lots of it!" Aro told her, smirking devilishly at Alec. In truth, he just wanted to torture him with the horrible taste of human food that he would have to retch out violently in a few hours time. Alec shot an icy glare back at him, holding his head high in rebellion.

"Would anyone care for some champagne?" Mrs. Stanley asked politely once everyone had sat down at the table.

"Oh yes," Aro answered immediately, "but none for Marcus. He has a bit of a problem with alcoholic beverages." Aro stage-whispered. Marcus looked up at them questioningly from under the table, still clinging to his bottle.

"Marcus! Throw that empty bottle away and sit at the table like a normal person!" Aro ordered. Marcus did indeed sit down normally, even though he would have been much happier under the table sulking all by himself. Everyone got settled down and served the food, the vampires smiling obligingly despite the smell the food wafted. While everyone was eating, the only sound to be heard was the chewing of the food. Every so often, Jasper twitched because he had been seated beside Aro, but he was working hard to restrain himself from attacking the older vampire.

"So… what made you guys decide to move here from Italy?" Mrs. Stanley asked, trying to break the awkward silence.

"It all started when Aro, being the dumbass that he is, forgot to-" Caius began to explain, but naturally, Aro interrupted him.

"Actually, we had been planning to move here for ages since our cousin and his wife moved to Seattle a few years ago. We just never had the opportunity! But then, luckily, I got transferred here from my job as a therapist in Italy, to the same doctors office that Carlisle works in!" Aro explained. "Of course, the whole family seized the opportunity to move here from Italy."

"Oh, how fascinating!" said Mrs. Davidon, speaking with one of the vampires for the first time that night. They both happened to be very overweight.

"So, do you like America so far?" Jessica asked.

"NO!" Marcus answered, the tone he used quite loud when coming from someone like him. Before Marcus could say anything further, Aro covered his mouth, looking nervous.

"You see, my brother's English is not very good. 'No' is the only word he knows how to say, so when he says no he usually means something else. Something along the lines of yes." Marcus was still struggling to pull Aro's had off of his mouth, but the offender in question wouldn't move. Alec, Athenodora, and Caius were all snickering at Aro's desperate behavior. The Cullens looked ashamed that someone of their own kind would behave in such a way, and were obviously doing a much better job of pretending to be humans than the Volturi were.

"Maureen, I must compliment you on this wonderful meal! It is simply delicious!" Mr. Davidson said, shoveling more food into his mouth.

"Well, you would know…" Athenodora muttered under her breath, a slight smirk on her ruby lips. Sulpicia giggled.

"Excuse me?" he asked, looking up from his meal.

"I'm sorry! My sister-in-law does not speak English very well either- she can't tell the difference between a compliment and an insult!" Aro cut in, hoping the man was not offended.

"Actually, my English is quite good, if I do say so myself. I have no idea what Aro is talking about, he says and does the craziest things sometimes!" she giggled, her eyes adopting a vindictive gleam. "You wouldn't believe what he did last year on Christmas! He wore a-"

"Please stop talking, Dora! Look, you've got a wonderful plate of food sitting in front of you, and it's just waiting to be eaten by you! Why don't you just put it all in your mouth, and not talk for the rest of the evening?" Aro demanded, glaring angrily at Athenodora. She bristled, Caius tensing at his side and throwing Aro a face-melting glower.

"You can't tell me what to do! And I thought I told you never to call me Dora!" She pat angrily, looking at Aro as if she were about to tear him up into a million tiny pieces.

"Do you two always argue like that?" Jessica inquired, rolling her eyes.

"Jessica sweetie, don't be rude! Why don't you settle down with some more potatoes? Would you like some more? Yes? Alright, enjoy!" Mrs. Stanley said, frantically running over to everyone's plate and giving them as scoop of mashed potatoes as if food would be able to fix the disastrous events that were occurring at her dinner party. So yet again, everyone ate (or pretended to eat) in complete silence. Jane even dumped her meal under the table, which consequently landed on top of Marcus's head. Yes, he had managed to sneak back under the table. This whole time, Jessica had been giving the Volturi strange looks, but then again, who wouldn't?

"Alright, is everyone done eating?" Mrs. Stanley asked after another ten minutes of awkward silence. Indeed, everyone was; she received nods from all around the table.

"Would you like me to help you clean up?" Esme asked sweetly, standing up and collecting the others' plates.

"Oh yes, that would be helpful! Thank you."

"I will help also!" Sulpicia announced cheerfully. She had decided that she should copy Esme exactly in order to be the ultimate housewife. For once, it seemed she had a pretty good idea going.

"As will I!" Aro said, starting to follow the ladies into the kitchen. Mr. Stanley caught his arm, making Aro turn around and throw him a confused look.

"Woah there, buddy! That's a woman's job! Stay here and have a beer with us!" Mr. Stanley suggested, pulling a 6-pack of beers out. Aro nodded and was about to sit back down when Caius chuckled, throwing him a malevolent look.

"A woman's job? I think Aro fits said job's description quite well." Caius laughed, Athenodora and Alec laughing along with him. Just about everyone in the room had to snicker in agreement.

"Actually, a beer would be lovely right about now, thank you very much!" Aro said angrily, grabbing a beer. Still, in the back of his mind, he wished it were human blood. Meanwhile, the ladies were busy in the kitchen.

"So, erm, is your husband always like that?" Mrs. Stanley asked curiously, washing the dishes speedily and placing them in the dishwasher. Sulpicia cocked her head to the side innocently at the question.

"Whatever do you mean, Maureen? Did you find him strange?" she asked curiously, not really caring. She was busy watching Mrs. Stanley do the dishes and Esme cutting the cake for dessert.

"Yes, he was a bit... odd. I can't really place my finger on it..."

"Well, Aro is indeed eccentric," Esme cut in, knowing that she would have to save Sulpicia this time around. The older woman was very sweet, but there wasn't that much going in inside her mind. Esme uttered an inaudible sigh before continuing. "He's always been that way. But I must say, this cake looks amazing; it's so moist and chocolatey!" she complimented, flashing an adorable smile. Mrs. Stanley smiled in response, walking over to the other two.

"Why thank you, Esme. I hear you're quite the cook yourself." This statement was obvious; for all charity events, Esme made an appearance with whatever was needed. Most stunningly, whenever there was a food drive, the Cullen matriarch whipped up something scrumptious and brought it in, shocking everyone with how amazing it tasted. Call it her secret ability, if you will.

"Really? How can you cook when you don't eat?" Sulpicia asked curiously. Esme gave her a shocked look. Why, oh _why_did Sulpicia have to say that?

"Oh, my dear! You aren't starving yourself, are you?" Mrs. Stanley asked concernedly.

"No, I-"

"Oh, that's horrible! And that adopted daughter of yours, Alice, she's so frightfully thin! Have you been checking her eating patterns?" the human continued, resting a hand on Esme's shoulder.

"Well, of cou-"

"She isn't bulimic, is she? Is she trying to look good for your nephew?" she asked again, not letting Esme answer.

"Of course not! Jasper would never-"

"Because that's why most girls become bulimic, you know! To impress a boy," she faux-whispered, fixing Esme with her beady eyes. "Are they sleeping together?"

"Mrs. Stanley! Please! Alice isn't bulimic, and I don't frankly care to know about what she and Jasper do after hours!" Esme insisted, finishing placing the the slices on plates. "Now, let's deliver the dessert, shall we?" she recommended, loading all the plates onto a serving tray and striding back into the dining room. She was mortified, especially knowing that all the vampires in the room had heard the disastrous conversation.

Indeed, Emmett was snickering, Alice looked embarrassed, Jasper looked livid, and the Volturi (save Marcus) were trying to hide their laughter. Edward looked uncomfortable and Bella was blushing deep red- Edward must have told her what had happened. Carlisle and Rosalie stayed more or less poker-faced, and Aro was still sulking. She passed out the plates and seated herself, Mrs. Stanley and Sulpicia following.

"So, Alice is sleeping with Jasper?" Sulpicia asked, not really bothering to keep her voice down. It wasn't something that most of the Volturi would whisper, anyway.

"Well, you're one to talk, aren't you? Because you must have had your children quite young if they are in High School now, and the two of you don't look much older than 30." Mrs. Stanley remarked to Aro and Sulpicia.

"Aro was very irresponsible as a teenager. He got her knocked up at 15!" Caius answered smugly. "That's why I was always the favorite child!"

"Oh, _goodness_! That _is_ very young... I don't even know what I would do with Jessica if she got pregnant!" Mrs. Stanley replied, resting the back of her hand against her forehead in a dramatic gesture.

"Mom! Stop!" Jessica moaned in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said anything. Would anyone like more cake?" Mrs. Stanley asked.

"Excuse me for a second, I must use the restroom." Alice said, beginning to get up with plans of getting rid of the horrible human food. She was, unfortunately, stopped by Mrs. Stanley.

"Oh, I knew it! You _are_ bulimic, dear! Please don't do it! I know a very good clinic you can go to that can help you change your ways!" she begged.

"Well, I bet Aro could help her; after all, he is a very qualified doctor of psychology." Caius said sarcastically, he and Athenodora both snickering maliciously.

"No, that's not true, I-" Alice began to say but was interrupted by- of course- an overenthusiastic Aro who wanted to show off his "skills".

"Now now Alice, this condition is nothing to be ashamed of. Many teenage girls experience eating disorders due to the image that the media creates for them. But you don't have to fit the image! Nobody is perfect- people can be very close to perfect, like myself, for instance, but still, nobody's perfect! Alice, you look just fine the way you are, so you don't need to loose any weight. However… I can't say the same for you, Mr. and Mrs. Henderson…" Aro ranted, not realizing how foolish he was making himself look.

"My woman ain't got no eatin' disorder! You stay away from mah family, ya' homo!' Jasper yelled, slipping into his old Texan accent yet again. "Come on babe, we're leavin' this joint!" He said to Alice, neatly picking her up and carriying her out of the house.

"You know… it is getting rather late. I suppose my family and I should leave as well. Thank you for having us over," Carlisle said, standing up. His family followed suit and he offered a polite nod and smile before whipping around and marching out at a quick human pace. It was obvious that he couldn't wait to get away from Aro.

"Yes Carlisle! That is a very good idea. Well, it was so nice meeting all of you! We'll have you over at our house next time and we'll cook Italiano for you!" Aro said cheerfully.

"Oh, um…we'll look forward to that." Jessica answered sarcastically.

"Goodbye everybody! Have a safe trip home!" Mrs. Stanley said, letting everyone out the door. So, Aro, Caius, and the rest of the Volturi clan headed back home.

"Well, that was a lovely gathering! See, aren't you all glad we went? Now we know how normal American families spend time together. I think that went very well for us." Aro cheered as they went back into their house.

"Aro dear, I think we forgot Marcus! Where is he?" Sulpicia asked suddenly. Little did they know, he was still under the Stanleys' table.


	6. Kindergarten: The HORROR!

_... Hello, people. I'm sort of afraid for my life right now... I know I haven't updated in a long, long time. Um... stuff came up? The next update will be soon, I swear.  
Please don't kill me. If you do, you'll be deprived of Aro's lovely fashion sense. _

_Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the story below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!_

_Chapter Six: Pee-Pee Men and Dignity_

The weekend had flown by extremely quickly for the Volturi clan, being vampires of a very, very, _very_ old age. So it was finally time for the day vampires and humans alike dreaded... _Monday morning_. Everyone had to rush off to school or work, and they (well… maybe not Aro) were all in horrible moods. Or, in Caius's case, a mood worse than horrible. Why? Well... Caius was being forced by Aro to teach five-year-old human children the building blocks of life, and he was absolutely _not_ looking forward to it.

"Well, goodbye my dear family! It's my second day of work! Isn't that exciting?! Isn't it just so amazing and thoughtful that I'm helping people who desperately need help with their human issues?" Aro asked happily as he and Caius walked out the door. The white-haired man rolled his eyes. The gesture went unnoticed.

"Oh, yes! Have a nice day at work, sweetie!" Sulpicia exclaimed, giving Aro a kiss on his way out the door. Alec and Jane walked out after the older vampires, and Caius was just about to unwillingly let the troublesome twins into his fancy rental car when Sulpicia stopped them. "Alec! You forgot the lunch that I packed you!" she called, running out the door in her pink vintage 1950's dress.

"Um…when you make a peanut butter jelly sandwich, the peanut butter and jelly are supposed to go on the inside, not the outside…" Alec murmured, looking disgusted at the sticky mess. Jane giggled.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Its just that this cooking stuff is so complicated! I bet I could get Esme Cullen to help me!" Sulpicia giggled, thinking of a plan. This was rare since she usually didn't like to think much.

"Well… good luck with that! Come on, let's get this horrible day over with…." Caius muttered, shoving the twins into his car. After dropping Jane and Alec off at Forks High, he continued on to his job at Forks Elementary School, which he liked to call "The School for Retarded Baby Human Kids."

Caius parked his car and wandered in to the teachers' lounge.

"Hi Caius!" called a group of three female teachers who found him to be breathtakingly gorgeous. They were sitting huddled up in a little group at a table drinking coffee. A mousy brunette with large thick-rimmed glasses even gave a little wink as she waved at him.

"So… Caius, do you want me to make you some coffee? I can give you a lil' bit of sugar with it if ya' want." said a flirtatious, plump older woman with a Southern accent who was also sitting at the table. She and her friends giggled like little schoolgirls around their first crush.

"Um… no, its alright. I brought my own," he replied, holding up a thermos that was actually filled with human blood. "You know…I should really start working on today's lesson plan for the little ones!" he announced, rushing out of the teachers' lounge without even saying goodbye.

The brightly colored classroom was empty and quiet, just as Caius liked it. Instead of creating his so-called "lesson plan" he just sat at the undersized teacher's desk relaxing and drinking his blood. He knew he would not be able to relax for long. Soon, the hyperactive kindergartners bounced in to the classroom accompanied by their smiling parents. As they were all saying their goodbyes and getting into their seats, one of the mothers approached Caius.

"Oh, hello there, you must be the new teacher! I wanted to talk to you about a problem my son Hugo has. You see, when he gets a little excited he tends to wet himself, so-" the woman started, looking over at her son (he was trying to eat glue). Caius obviously didn't want to hear about it and couldn't care less.

"Yeah, um… I'll take care of that. Haveaniceday_goodbye_!" he said, nearly shoving her out the door. Now, Hugo and another little girl named Beverly were fighting over the glue, which was apparently very tasty.

"HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU'LL GET POISONED AND DIE! DAMMIT YOU BABIES ARE SO STUPID! GET THAT STUFF OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NOW!" Caius yelled, snatching the glue away from the bickering children. Both Hugo and Beverly stared at him for a moment before bursting into tears. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Can you just shut up now? I lied, its not poisonous, the bottle says non-toxic! JUST STOP CRYING!" he yelled, yanking on his hair in frustration. Because just _everyone_ knows that the way to make a little kid to stop crying is to yell at them more!

"_Eeeeew_! Hugo, why is the floor all wet?" Beverly squealed, jumping away and giggling.

"Oh shit...." Caius murmured, staring in horror.

"Hahahahahahaha! Look everybody! Hugo's a _pee-pee man_!" Beverly called to the whole class. Everyone laughed at poor Hugo and started to chant:

"_Pee-pee man! Pee-pee man!_" And Hugo would not stop crying. Caius groaned and smacked his forehead, letting his hand slide down his face in his frustration. He sighed and turned to Hugo, reining his temper.

"Hugo…I think its time for a potty break. Come with me." Caius demanded.

"NOOOO!" he whined.

"I said, come with me!" Caius snapped, starting to grow more and more impatient.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA!" Hugo yelled, still crying.

"Do you want to stay here and be a pee-pee man, or do you want to regain your dignity?" Caius asked sharply, tapping his foot in annoyance. Hugo looked up at him confusedly.

"What's that?"

"Okay everyone, we are going to have a vocabulary lesson!" Caius announced, writing "DIGNITY" on the board. "Now the word dignity means nobility or elevation of character. Let me use this word in a sentence. My dumbass brother Aro lost his dignity when I beat him up and blatantly insulted him in front of his wife and colleagues." Caius said. "Now, can you all write that down?" He asked.

"NO!" all the children replied in unison.

"... Oh, fuck that! Just have free play time." Caius growled, plopping into his teacher's chair.

"Hahaha! Fuck is a funny word! Will you teach us what that means?" a scrawny little kid named Lars asked.

"No, it is a bad word. Don't ever say it. And don't tell your parents I said it in front of you." Caius ordered, opening his thermos.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Lars yelled. Caius growled, slamming the thermos down and getting up.

"NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT! GO SIT IN THE CORNER! NOW!" Caius roared.

"But I don't wanna!" Lars complained. Meanwhile, the rest of the class was running amok. The little children refused to share their toys and were throwing them at each other, the girls were chasing the boys all around the room, and random paper airplanes kept hitting Caius in the face. Something just had to be done to control this chaos... but what could it possibly be?

"WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! DO YOU HAVE AN OFF BUTTON? JUST SHUT UP!" Caius yelled. The whole class of kindergartners started to weep, and now Hugo wasn't the only one crying. Caius didn't know what to do. He couldn't deal with these children... but he knew someone who could!

Within a few minutes, there was another vampire in the room, a very sweet, yet dim-witted one. It was Sulpicia, and she was carrying a very large tray of cupcakes with lots of frosting.

"Hello, human children!" she cooed, walking into the room gracefully. "I have some lovely little treats for you!" She said happily. Each child dropped what they were doing and chorused,

"YAAAAAAAY!" Sulpicia gave a cupcake to each of them. They stayed quiet for a while, happily devouring the cupcake-y goodness.

"Hey, I thought you didn't know how to cook?" Caius asked lightly, his temper under control. Sulpicia giggled, setting the empty tray down on his desk.

"Oh, dear Esme baked the cupcakes! I told her it was an emergency, but she promised to teach me how to cook just like her!" Sulpicia said.

"Alright," he shrugged. "Okay kiddies! What do you say to Sulpicia?" Caius asked. The kids stared at him, dumbfounded. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU, IDIOTS!" he yelled, his left eye twitching.

"Caius! That is no way to talk to innocent children!" Sulpicia scolded, batting him lightly on the arm. He muttered something incomprehensible and sat down behind his desk, picking up his long-waiting thermos. This left Sulpicia open to attack.

"You're so pretty! Are you a princess?" Beverly, asked as she and her friends came up to Sulpicia. The blonde vampiress giggled and shook her head.

"No, I am just the average Italian-American housewife!" Sulpicia said, sounding very rehearsed since it was probably something that Aro told her to say when asked questions of that nature. So the kindergartners, now on a sugar high continued through the day with Sulpicia to control them for a couple hours. Soon, it was all over and the children's parents came to pick them up, complimenting Caius on keeping them so happy all day long. The vampire tried very hard not to burst into spontaneous laughter at all the praise.

After the last irritating parent had left, Caius retreated back to the teachers' lounge where he could hopefully be alone. He had banked on the hope that all the other teachers would still be teaching since Kindergarten got out earlier, but he was mistaken. Apparently one of his admirers, the plump old southern lady, was also a kindergarten teacher.

"Oh, hello Caius! Fancy meetin' you here ain't it!" she said, smiling at him. He was too mentally exhausted to notice her wandering eyes.

"Yeah… damn. All those kids are crazy!" Caius muttered, mostly to himself, as he sat down.

"Hmm… well I really respect you for what ya' do. Half the kids in your class have ADD or ADHD. Teachin' _that _class seems like that would be harder 'n finding a jack rabbit on the prairie in the middle o' winter!" she laughed, smacking him on the back. He blinked.

"Wait… what?" Caius asked, turning his body to look at the woman standing behind his chair.

"Ya' know, you're a real lifesaver, findin' ya' last minute was a real blessin'! Ain't it just great how yer brother suggested ya' for the job? It ain't often that you find a job openin' in new town. I remember when I first moved here from Georgia, it took me 3 months to find a job here!" she said, oblivious to his uncaring expression.

"Wow… I suppose I'm really lucky." Caius replied sarcastically. "I think I should head home. It's funny you should mention my brother... we're having a wrestling match today, but he doesn't know it yet." he said, more to himself, smiling evilly.

"Alrighty then! I guess I'll be seein' ya tomorrow! Bye, bye Caius." she called, smiling and waving.

After a long treacherous day of teaching hyperactive five-year-olds and selling clothing and shoes for half-price, Caius and Athenodora hoped that they could have the rest of the night to relax together. But of course there would always be someone to ruin their hopes and dreams.

That someone was Aro!

"Hello my dear brother and sister in-law! We are here for our daily visit!" Aro exclaimed, bursting through the door with Sulpicia and the troublesome twin vampires Alec and Jane. Both of the blonde vampires made rude exclamations, jumping apart from where they had been getting cozy on the couch.

"Daily visit? No…_ no_! We never agreed to that!" Athenodora snapped.

"Oh yes we did. It was in the contract you signed at the end of my book. In case you didn't remember, I planned these daily visits so that the togetherness we once had in Volterra would still remain alive here in Forks! You see, we no longer live together, and if we didn't visit each other every day we would grow apart!" Aro informed them, walking over and sitting down neatly between Caius and Athenodora.

"I don't see anything wrong with being apart from you." Caius said coldly.

"Oh, nonsense! Now tell me Caius, how was your day teaching the uneducated human children?" Aro asked.

"HORRIBLE. Why the _hell_did you sign me up to teach those insane little babies! I SWEAR SOME OF THEM HAVE MENTAL ISSUES!" Caius yelled, his famous temper jumping into play once more.

"_They do not_! They simply have mild learning disorders, such as ADD, but they most certainly are not suffering form any kind mental retardation or whatnot! They are energetic! There is nothing wrong with a child who is energetic!" Aro snapped back at him.

"Well, there is a problem when one of the kids pisses all over the place when he gets excited! And guess who's the one who has to clean up after him!?" He asked angrily.

"You?" Jane asked.

"No, the janitor. But still! It's annoying! _I just can't take it anymore_!" Caius roared, looking like he was ready to give Aro the worst ass-whooping he ever had in his whole life. The two of them fell into deep crouches, preparing for the fight. It was then that Marcus got up from under the table and uttered a few words, as he usually does at the end of the day.

"Ooooh. This is going to be exciting. I think I'll go make some popcorn."


End file.
